If you need your daily dose of rage, direct your anger to this story about a woman who planned on throwing herself a “Off to Prison” party before being hauled off to the slammer after a drunk driving incident that left two high school students in the hospital.

Savannah Schlueter spoke to me for the first time today about her recovery after being hit by a drunk driver in May. @Local12 pic.twitter.com/gYt0o0Nv9s

— Tessa DiTirro (@Local12Tessa) February 17, 2021

The party was supposed to be held at a local restaurant who made it clear that they were not interested in sponsoring such an event once they found out what it was. Luckily, the two victims are alive and recovering.

As citizens, we have to be better than this.

It’s 2021 and we still don’t have drunk control on our phones and laptops. If you can hide mature TV channels from children, you should be able to hide free one-day Prime shipping from intoxicated adults. One man learned the hard way just how expensive drunk shopping can be. While it’s probably a bad thing that all of this stuff got delivered at once, it is a lot of cool stuff! He should be celebrating!

Drinking and Amazon’ing is a dangerous game @kfcradio (via ig:Sean_TheProducer) pic.twitter.com/ses1sMncn2

— Barstool Sports (@barstoolsports) February 17, 2021

What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever drunk-purchased? For our plant-friendly listeners, we want to know about your wild high purchases. Let us know on Facebook.

Beware, world, there’s a new Internet trend called “sleep streaming” and it’s even dumber than you can imagine. Famed streamer Asian Andy recently racked up $16,000 by falling asleep on-camera, only for his fans to wake up him with loud noises that were triggered when they donated money to him.

We would be offering to be filmed sleeping peacefully through the night if anyone wanted to pony up some money. Please. Get in touch. Everybody has a price and for some of us it is shockingly low.

While they are widely accepted now as the best way to gain backdoor access, butt plugs used to be used in vastly different context. In the 19th century, a man by the name of Dr. Young created “rectal dilators” to help cure insomnia, headaches, acne, and insanity, among other things. Research concluded, according to Dr. Young, that 3/4 of “howling maniacs” reported being cured after just a few weeks of usage.

So the next time you see a butt plug, don’t think of it as an inherently horny device, think of it as a tool that progressed modern medicine. Thank you, Dr. Young, for finding something to stick up our butts.