The Chicago version of mustard on watermelon

mustard on watermelon is a global thing now and it got me thinking…

And while there were some solid suggestions, the Malört applesauce I threw out gained some traction…

And before I could even head to my basement bar to grab my Malört, Heather went and did this:

My heroine.  <3 Lauren

P.S. Not Destined For Greatness is the name of my new band.

P.P.S. honorable mention to Stacy for this gem:

Subway’s Tuna Sandwich Contains “No Tuna DNA”

Bad news for our tuna heads out there. After being served with a lawsuit earlier this year by two people who claimed that Subway’s tuna was anything but. The New York Times commissioned a DNA test of the chain’s tuna and the lab results came back showing, “One it’s so heavily processed that whatever we could pull out, we couldn’t make an identification … Or we got some and there’s just nothing there that’s tuna,”

So…we don’t really know what it is. It’s an unidentified sandwich topping. Is this something we can get Tom DeLonge to look into? Perhaps he can get Subway to cough up their secrets.

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Bears Approved to Build Stadium In Arlington Heights

Could this really be happening? The Bears have called Chicago home since 1921 and Soldier Field has been their home base since 1971, but Arlington Heights is putting that legacy in jeopardy. On Monday night, the Arlington Heights village board voted to approve an overlay zoning draft that would allow a football stadium to be built on Arlington Park.

Be sure to buy your tickets to Bears home games this year. It could be their last year in the city.

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Emergency Crews Rescue Drowning Woman, Only to Learn It Was a Sex Doll

Off the coast of northeast Japan, a woman was shooting a fishing video when she noticed a body floating face-down in the water. People nearby took action and called 911, which led to a cavalcade of emergency response vehicles arriving on the scene. Luckily (or unfortunately, depending on who you ask), the emergency crew quickly identified the floating object as not a human, but as a sex doll.

Strangely, this is not the first time this doll has been soaked.

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Relationship Court: Hall Pass

The concept of the Hall Pass is a delicate subject for most. The idea is that you can pick one person far out of reach and highly unrealistic for you to sleep with, so that if you do get the opportunity, you can go for it. One of our listeners understands this idea very well. His partner, on the other hand, does not.

What advice do you have for this man? Give him some help on Facebook!

We Must Revoke This Woman’s License At All Costs

This was her first time driving on the highway. It went poorly. Very, very poorly.

We don’t know why she’s legally allowed to drive, but we need to do everything in our power to make sure that she can no longer be behind the wheel. Can you imagine being near this on the Dan Ryan? You don’t want that smoke. No one wants that smoke.

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Sexy Beasts is officially the weirdest dating show ever

Netflix has green lit a new show called Sexy Beasts, where singles get transformed in to weird animal-human looking things and then go on dates with each other.  And you thought dating shows couldn’t get worse than Tempation Island! If you’ve ever wanted to find out if true love really is blind, or if you have a thing for human/dolphin hybrids (GROSS), this show is for you!

What if you really did connect with someone and start dating IRL, how could you ever look at them again and not think about their weird panda face or whatever? Get ready to start binging July 21st

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Whose Karen Is It?

“Hello management!” is almost too on the nose. This Karen is a peak Karen. This is a classic Karen move executed by a classic Karen. Here’s the email that was sent to our management.

Where do you think this Karen is from? The conversation lives on Facebook!

Cocky Game Show Contest Gets Brutally Owned By His Own Stupidity

This clip took place back in 2015, but the world is just now catching up to the delightful batch of instant karma that is served up in this clip. After giving a passionate “nerds are cool, actually” rant to seemingly no one, this man fails epically with a ton of money on the line.

Hope that med school degree worked out for you, pal.

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You Have Never Been More Chill Than This Cat in a Kayak

Sit back, take a few deep breaths, maybe put on some Sublime, and enjoy this cool cat chilling on a kayak.

You can thank Brian, Ali, Justin, and this cat for your chill vibes for the rest of the day.

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Cubs Uniforms Ranked Best In All of Baseball

North Siders can finally cheer about something after the Cubs recent woes. PlayUSA polled 200 baseball fans across the country and the Cubs came away with the most votes in the Best Uniform category and second in Best Colors. Hope was not lost for the Sox, though, who finished fourth in the Best Uniform category.

You can check out the full report here.

Still, this reeks of a Cubs bias. The Sox get shafted once again. The cycle is vicious and it is endless.

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McDonald’s to Launch Loyalty Program Nationwide in July

Consumers rejoice. For the first time in their illustrious history, McDonald’s is launching a loyalty program in order to entice customers they may have won over during the pandemic. The fast food giant saw over $1.5 billion of digital sales in the first quarter of 2021 by way of the app and in-store kiosks. The McDonald’s app is the greatest kept secret in all of fine dining, after all.

Are there any sneaky good food deals out there? Let us know on Facebook!

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Check out the trailer for season 2 of Ted Lasso

Pretty much everyone I know binged Ted Lasso during quarantine, its basically the nicest show on television. If you haven’t seen it yet, stop what you’re doing immediately and watch it now and then check out the trailer for season 2.  Can’t wait!

 

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What This Woman Did Should Be Illegal

We’re not even sure how to describe this one. Take a look for yourself.

On one hand, the power of makeup is truly amazing. It’s an art form that should be applauded. On the other hand, the power of makeup is evil and something must be done about these drastic transformations. We think a maximum security prison would be the best way to go about things.

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Woman Shocks Herself With Her Dog Collar Because Of Course She Did

These videos never get old. Boredom strikes, the mind begins to formulate ideas, and before you know it you’re giving yourself a near-death experience in the same room that you make dinner in. It’s beautiful, in a way.

We don’t want anyone to try this, but…if you have already done so and have a video of it, send it our way on Facebook!

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In the Market For a Castle? Indiana Has You Covered

$400,000 for a castle? You don’t need a GED from Florida to know that this is a good deal. We sent our investigative team down to the castle to make sure that it was free of ghouls, goblins, or ghosts, and they came back with nothing. We’re not sure why this place is so cheap but there must be a catch somewhere. Granted, the place is largely destroyed at this point, but we’ve always just assumed that the word “castle” means the bidding starts at $1 million.

More details can be found here.

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The ‘Karen’ Movie Trailer Has Arrived!

You can thank Brian, Ali, & Justin for providing Hollywood with some fresh ideas for a change. The trailer for ‘Karen’, a new film starring Taryn Manning from Orange is the New Black, is finally here.

If a sequel is made, we’ve heard North Aurora has some future stars in the making.

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