What is the Internet if not a giant group therapy session? People on the Internet are sharing moments when they realized that their parents had raised an idiot. Comments range from “After I told my kid that carrots help you see in the dark, he went into the basement with a carrot and started waving it around like a flashlight.” to “I found out my daughter thought the Sistine Chapel was the ‘Sixteen Chapel.’ She’s 21.”

When did your parents learn that they had failed in their ultimate mission? The conversation lives on Facebook!

Not all heroes wear capes. Some of them simply have hammers. A man in Brighton Park was sick of a speed bump in his neighborhood damaging his car, so he took matters into his own hands and smashed up the speed bump in question, taking a few days to dismantle it all while hiding pieces in his garage during the process.

The man was hit with a $500 fine for “digging without a permit”, which absolutely sounds like a fake citation. Dig where you please, my man. You’re a hero!

50 Cent can breathe a little easier tonight knowing that UFC legend Conor McGregor has finally thrown out a worse first pitch than him.

Conor McGregor JUST a bit outside pic.twitter.com/hUVg1Zs2N2

— Barstool Sports (@barstoolsports) September 21, 2021

The Cubs bullpen only wishes they could have this kind of accuracy.

Controversy seems to follow Machine Gun Kelly wherever he goes and he lived up to that reputation at Riot Fest during his headlining set on Sunday night. Playing across the park from Slipknot, MGK noted, “Hey, you want to know what I’m really happy that I’m not doing? Being 50 years old wearing a f*cking weird mask on a f*cking stage, talking sh*t.” After a brief pause, MGK changed the subject, cracking, “So, anyway, what’s everyone’s favorite candy? Reece’s Pieces?”

If you’re a Slipknot fan and you’re mad about this, just remember you don’t have a leg to stand on after Corey Taylor’s ill-fated rap debut. How embarrassing.