M&M’s cartoons are officially too sexy, company shifts to spokeswoman Maya Rudolph

As a nation, we are constantly evolving. What was once familiar is no longer. What was once accepted is no longer. And most importantly, what was considered sexy is no longer. M&M’s and their spokescandies have caused too much of a stir. After toning down the brown and green M&M’s last year, professional bowtie wearer and heir to the Swanson TV Dinner throne, Tucker Carlson, rightfully rang the alarm bells about a future with “androgynous” M&M’s.

In a statement released on January 23, the bite-sized candy released a statement easing our worries about possible candy-related androgyny. Instead, the company is pivoting to a feminine direction. No, we aren’t getting the green M&M back in thigh-highs, unfortunately, and no matter how much the purple M&M is asking for it, we still can’t bring her the goods. Instead, human Maya Rudolph will serve as the face of the brand.

If anyone wants any links to sexy M&M’s content, please let me know.